I've been busy with two major projects (one is for my "real" job, one is a paid "side" job), hence the lack of posting.  The blog is not finished as some of you have asked (or wished).  There will be more.  In the meantime, try visiting here:

Name of the Year (blog)

A quick glance at their logo above will demonstrate the hilarity found within its digital walls.  Hector Macho Camacho? Assumption Bulltron?  SPACEMAN AFRICA!?!?

Basically, this blog amasses HILARIOUS and REAL names from the world of sports and, March Madness bracket style, comes to a consensus winner each year.  So, to save you some trouble, here're the winners:

2009 Juvyline Cubangbang (NOTY High Committee)
2009 Barkevious Mingo (The People)
2008 Destiny Frankenstein (NOTY High Committee)
2008 Spaceman Africa (The People)
2007 Vanilla Dong
2006 Princess Nocandy
2005 Tanqueray Beavers
2004 Jerome Fruithandler
2003 Jew Don Boney Jr.
2002 Miracle Wanzo
2001 Tokyo Sexwale
2000 Nimrod Weiselfish
1999 Licentious Beastie (INVALIDATED 2006; Runner-up: Dick Surprise)
1998 L.A. St. Louis
1997 Courage Shabalala
1996 Honka Monka
1995 Ballots missing
1994 Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle (INVALIDATED 2006; Runner-up: Scientific Mapp)
1993 Crescent Dragonwagon
1992 Excellent Raymond
1992 Assumption Bulltron (Name of the Decade)
1991 Doby Chrotchtangle
1990 Otis Overcash
1989 Magnus Pelkowski
1988 No vote held
1987 No vote held
1986 No vote held
1985 Godfrey Sithole
1984 No vote held
1983 Hector Camacho

The whole blog is worth reading, but here's another quicky if you don't have time for the whole thing.  My guess is that if you're reading my blog, you have the time: NOTY Hall of Name

My Cousin Jay's Wife Christine sent me this HILARIOUS cartoon; it is a great companion piece to this post I made last week about my doubts in the worthwhileness (word?) of Twittering / Twatting / Twotes / Twats / Tweets / Twonts / Twhatevers... expressed via the eloquence of William Bowers of Pitchfork.com.  I think it is safe to say I "Twon't" be Twittering any time soon (I am ashamed to have written that.  Please forgive me.).

Also, I'd like to use this word: "harbinger".  So, I will:  "Twitter is a harbinger of the Humility Apocalypse; it is a flag on the summit of Mount Narcissism, the Height of Hubris.  We have arrived, and now begins our descent..."

The original link is in the comments of the aforelinked post on WRS.  Here's the hilarity:

By Tom "Manowar" Busler, WRS Crimonologist Emeritus - Honorary Designate

A few weeks ago, the city of Creve Coeur, MO was rocked by one of the most shocking crimes of the century.  Even as police were dispatched to the scene, the criminal lowlife was still at his sickening deeds.  Yes, still pounding away, was he, even as they knocked on the door of this depraved lunatic's hellish lair... then it stopped.

The authorities subdued the fiend and the townspeople of Creve Coeur were once again able to go back to their TV dinners, their Sunday comics, their gardening, soccer practices, and church groups... the reviled reprobate was put to bay, his nefarious plots relegated to the past.  But the ringing in their ears would serve as a reminder to the citizens of Creve Coeur that, although he had been silenced momentarily, the axe weilding maniac of Camden Cove would certainly be back.

Who was this cacophonous creature and what were his crimes, you ask?  The ne'er-do-well was none other than your heinous host, Tom Busler, and the charges against me?  Playing Guitar Hero: Metallica at [GASP! HORRORS!] 6:45 on a Friday night.  At volume 23 (of 60).  I normally watch TV at between settings 20-25  (late at night on a Tuesday).

The axe-weilding maniac, here seen disturbing the peace at his
84-year-old grandmother's house.  She was cool with it.

Seriously.  My "neighbors" called the cops on me at 6:-friggin'-45 in the PM on a Friday for playing Guitar Hero.  I COULD STILL HEAR THE CLICKING OF THE STRUM BAR ON THE PLASTIC GUITAR!  That is how not loud I was playing.  You would have thought a SWAT team was coming through my door with a battering ram the way the pig cop pounded.  The "Waco Massacre" raid on the Branch Davidians?  Yeah... slightly less forceful.

I was "warned" for 'Disturbing the Peace,' and informed that if it happened again, I would be charged and forced to appear in court.  I asked the cop if it was cool working in a town where the worst-of-the-worst were plastic-toy toting video gamers and he wasn't amused.  I also told him that I would like to lodge a harrassment chage against my neighbors for summoning excessive force against me while I was acting within the terms of my leasing agreement ("quite" hours are between 10:00 PM and 10:00 AM).  He said, and I quote, "No.  Have a nice evening and keep it down."

I did keep it down, sitting at my computer for 2+ hours drafting a formal complaint to my leasing office, who sided with me.

I still play GH: Metallica (on volume '24'... "one louder"), but it is actually a little bit more fun now knowing how much it bothers other people.  Isn't that what metal is all about?  Ticking someone off?

I also slam my cabinets with an uncommon zest and wait about 5 minutes before I shut off my strategically positioned alarm clock every morning at 5:15 (it is near our shared wall).  Coincidentally, my actual guitar playing has also improved.  I have had a resurgance in my desire to learn, hammering away on all my favorite garage-rock anthems until about 9:59 every night.  I plan on hosting a "My Bloody Valentine"-esque concert on the day I move out if anyone wants to come by.

As they say: "Good earplugs make good neighbors."

"The 'status' update that was the lamest and most indulgent element of MySpace is the most abused feature of Facebook, and such mundane-to-desperate broadcasts are almost Twitter's entire raison d'etre. I mean, what would be the analog equivalent: if I went around just yelling about what I was in the middle of doing, or anticipating doing, or just did? Oh, for the ability to telepathically inform all of my 'friends'-- and creepy-sheepier 'followers'-- that I was 'considering chili this afternoon,' or that 'my pajamas itch,' or that 'laundromat=out of quarters'.... I mean, this medium limits folks to 140 characters and they love it? The people have spoken, and they want to be told to shut up.... Plus, 'twit' is synonymous with 'fool'! 'Twittering' is admitting that you're dithering, right?"

The Weekly FunByte - Religion

TACOMA, WA - As millions of the nation's devout took time on Friday to solemnly remember the sacrifice that the Son of God, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, made with his crucifixion, Jim Haggerdy had extra reason to be thankful.  "Good Friday?  More like GREAT Friday, if you ask me," Haggerdy said after downing his third pint of Harp Lager at Malarkey's Pool & Brew on Friday afternoon.

Jim Haggerdy seen here piously remembering Christ's death

Haggerdy, an accounts receivable manager at Boeing, was notified earlier in the week by his supervisor and devout Christian, Mark Greenwell, that their team could take a half-day on Friday in honor of the religious holiday.  "Normally, I'd still be droning away on some pointless spreadsheet right now," Haggerdy slurred, "but Mark came through big time with that email.  I was all like, 'Thank God for Mark!,' ya know?"  Halfway through a mozzarella stick, he added, "Oh, and for Jesus, too."

Good Friday is not an official holiday at Boeing, but Greenwell assured his staffers that they should not have to take any vacation to spend time meditating on Christ's gift to humanity, an opportunity Haggerdy "wasn't about to pass up."  It was only seconds after receiving the email that several members of AR-Div 16, Haggerdy's accounting division, decided on spending their religious holiday at Malarkey's.  "Saul Goldstein and Ari Blumenfeld immediately emailed me with the idea to go [to Malarkey's]," Haggerdy explained.  "I guess they were eager to reflect on the significance of JC's death, too."

It was the second time in under a week that Haggerdy had found himself celebrating his "heartfelt" religious views after he was given the chance to leave early on Thursday to prepare for Passover Seder activities.

By Eric “Shoeless Joe Jackson” Timmons

I love betting on America’s Pastime.  So much fun and excitement.  It is a peerless game full of history and heroes.  There is nothing quite like watching it on TV for hours on end; I genuinely savor the months and months I get to spend consuming ceaseless highlights, analysis, and prognostications on ESPN.  Unfortunately, the sport I am speaking of (football) doesn’t start for over five months.  I guess we will have to settle for the “sport” that has become a microcosm of what is wrong with our country.  Again, I've probably got you fooled... I’m not talking about pro wrestling, either.  The staged spectacle I'm referring to is, of course, Major League Baseball.

So let’s get excited about watching a bunch of cheating, overpaid, and soft athletes occasionally have to run 90 feet.  I figure if they profit off of us ($6 hotdogs!?!  $10 beers?!?!), we should profit off of them, and what better team to start with than the New York Yankees.  One Yankee player, cheater A-Roid, makes more than the combined payrolls of five other teams.  He must be pretty good, right?  Well, as soon as he returns from his completely natural injury, I guess we’ll find out.

THE BET

We will take the New York Yankees on 4/6/2009 for $370.  The line is the Yankees -$185 on 5Dimes.  We will bet $370 to net a profit of $200.  We are already up $700 on the year.  A loss will not hurt us, but how could the greatest sports franchise in the history of the world lose?

It’s official: Michael Jordan is a Hall-of-Famer.  Also, today is Monday.  Both of the previous statements are about equally as revelatory. 

In other news, David Robinson, John Stockton, Jerry Sloan, and some other people are, too.

I thought this was an interesting take by Scoop Jackson of ESPN’s Page 2.

I know we’ve all marveled at the Man, the Majesty that WAS, His Royal Airness, Michael Jordan.  More than anyone else in any sport, there are plays he made that will NEVER fade from my memory.  I can practically watch a high-def quality highlight reel of his greatest moments in my head anytime I want… that’s how much of an impact they made on me.  Here are a few that are particularly vivid:

·         “The ‘I don’t even know how I do this’ shoulder shrug”

·         “The hand-switch lay-up versus the Lakers”

·         “The free-thrown-line dunk”

·         “The crazy fake-out baseline spin move on basically the whole Knicks team w/ Patrick Ewing finishing move”

·         “The perfect court-level shot of him rolling right, switching back to his left, popping up and hitting the Championship-winning jumper over a stumbling Byron Russell”

·         “The jumping fist-pump… the shot.”

·         “Crying with trophy”

Bottom line: Greatest athlete, sportsman, and competitor of all-time.  Gatorade hit the nail on the head and made the perfect commercial, capturing the longings and dreams of millions around the world who, if even once, wanted to occupy the same rarefied air as the GOAT: “Oh, if I could be like Mike.”

The fact that I could have written this about 20 years ago is a testament to how good MJ really was.  The words "foregone conclusion" were invented for just these very circumstances as his being tapped for this honor was as inevitable as, well, Michael Jordan going into the Hall of Fame.  In fact, it almost seems like a mere-HOF induction is a bit of a slight.  If anyone deserves an entirely different shrine, apart from all the others, he does.  For the man that seemed like he had two of them, at least give him his own wing.

Thanks, Mike.

Below is the text of a letter I wrote to "Page-A-Day" in regard to yesterday's trivia question.  I'm in a "trivia duel" at work with a coworker and, while I have a narrow lead, I don't want him to get a point for something I feel was a poorly designed question / answer.  What do YOU, WRS Readers Collective, think?  Am I right?  Chime in in the "Comments" section below.  As of this morning, I have received notification from the "technical staff" of the calendar company that this has been submitted to their editor for review.  In any event, here's the "formal grievance":

Dear Page-A-Day Staff,

On your “365 Amazing Trivia Facts” calendar, the question for 26 March 2009 was “How many calories will the average slice of bread lose after toasting?”  The stated answer on the back of the page was “None.  Toasting removes moisture, not calories.”

I am in a heated and running contest with a coworker using your calendar.  We are asked all of the questions by a different coworker (the calendar owner) and today’s question has sparked a debate between me and my opponent.  I am positing that his answer, which matches yours, is wrong.

I agree that with a perfect “toasting,” (almost like a physics question that asks you to suspend reality and assume “no friction” for a spring problem) all that would be lost is moisture and that the mass lost would be of zero caloric content, leaving the remaining toasted bread with all of its original calories.  The way the question was asked, however, suggest that it would be under average circumstances using average bread, and I can tell you that if you look in the bottom of the average toaster, you’ll see a TON of crumbs.  Those crumbs obviously have calories and they represent the total aggregate number of calories lost by the bread toasted therein since such time when, A) it was new, or B) it was last cleaned.  Therefore, each slice of bread would lose on average:

(total caloric content of the collected crumbs) / (total # of slices of bread put through that toaster since the crumb tray was last emptied)